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Mouse King

 I miss Busboys and poets. I miss Community forklift. I miss watching local theater plays at the Silver Spring theater. Except I was no more lost now than I was then. That sentence sounds ominous. I am almost 31 weeks pregnant. Or perhaps 32 based on what the measurements were at my last exam. I finally had an exam after months. Yesterday was the glucose test. Weeks after it was supposed to be. Supposed to be's, should be's, could've been...yada yada yada. I miss DC. Home of my heart. I even miss Maryland. I miss me. The carefree me. I mean, I wouldn't describe life before marriage to be that, but there was a glow in the days before I tethered myself to a man, supposedly for life. Life. Married for life. That's what I thought I was. Guess I thought wrong. 

I don't miss it. Or him. Alhumdulillah that's a blessing. I don't think I never will. I am afraid it'll hit me in one large wave once the nastiness of this divorce is over. Like a complete washout. The idea is scary but then again, it's a thought, an idea. Not reality. I want to miss him. But I don't. At least not the way I was afraid I will. Guess I never found that fulfillment with him that I so craved. From wedding night onwards, it was compromise after compromise. I didn't get to experience the high of someone having my back 100%. He always came first. What's there to miss about that, right? But even then, I miss little things that I liked about him like his smile or at least I try to. It's hard because I don't remember how he looked when he really smiled at me. I haven't seen it in, perhaps, years. Maybe I am too sensitive like he used to say. Or still seeking the fulfillment that I longed for, from him. He may never have been the guy I wanted to share the hilltop rock with, but I remember that I used to like his smile, even though I can't remember what it looked like anymore. 

Grammarly says this text sounds worried. Well, Grammarly, there there now. No need to get all pouty. LOL. I am finally falling asleep now. I hope it works and I don't wake up in the middle of the night again to pee. Oh, pregnancy. 

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