Story of a life

As I wrap up my iddah, I have been feeling very reflective. It got me lamenting today that just like that, the decade of divorce and heartbreak is over. And then I realized, well, A LOT of good has also come form this decade. The hardships were only two but including the two divorces, the blessings are countless.  I got married the first time in December 2011 and am finishing up my iddah from my second divorce on the last day of 2021. So much pain, so much reformation, and somehow, with the blessing of my Lord, I am exactly where I wanted to be in life at this point in life. I have everything, I am everything that I wanted to have and be, if not more. I have checked every single box on my five year plan that I set for myself, and halfway through the timeline for my next five year plan, am almost done with everything on that one too. Even though, I have spent the past decade in a fog, feeling less than everyone around me. Somehow, at the end though, everything has worked out. I a...

 Its past 2 am. I cannot sleep. No matter how empty I try to get my brain to be, I can't. No, wrong. I have actually succeeded in doing that at least two times tonight. But then nausea hits. I got my period yesterday. Last week of purgatory aka Iddah . But well, that's another story for another time. Right now, nausea, migraine, pain, cramps - it's all kicking me down. Goodness. I have been eating crackers and still feel like throwing up. I even went for a walk and kept active thoughout the day despite the pain because of this nausea. I thought the physical activity will help my body digest whatever is in it better.  Thoughts that have been circling my brain: if i could buy a house, where should i buy it? do people still visit syria? can people visit syria (a quick sky scanner search says yes), is there anything actually interesting about north korea, like their culture? (found out there are two UNESCO world heritage sites there - who knew), is Alex Vause from OITB actual...

 The day I performed my first Umrah, I was exceptionally tired. I had checked out of the hotel in Madinah around 11 am the day before, spent the day in the Mosque of the Prophet (May Peace and blessings be upon him), taken the six hour bus to Makkah, and gone straight to Makkah Haram to perform Umrah. Then I prayed Fajr for the next day and laid down for  I couldn’t check in to my Makkah hotel until 3 pm that day.

My fear in dying: claustrophobia and fear of the dark in the grave, as well as decomposition, and insects as well as other creatures that I've within the earth. And the method of death aka fear of asphyxiation/ pain/ frowning/ burning - basically pain. IME's fear in dying: who will be there that I know? He doesn't want to be alone at or in death. He has been fixated on the topic of death for a few weeks now. The natural environment, it being fall/ autumn, transitions, seeing a dead pigeon and a dead mouse on the side of the road, and a burial on tv.