Story of a life

  A bit numb. A bit exhilarated. A bit in pain. That’s me right now.  One is supposed to feel one’s pain. That’s what the Dave Ramsey article said. To let your heart experience it. Well, I did. Here I am. Three hours after I sent in the final email to the court lady and my lawyer with a settlement offer. The hardest part, the one I was the most sad about, still...was that I want this to be the finalizing of everything. No loose strings so to speak.  I don’t want to. My heart can’t even imagine not being his wife. Even now. But mind says it’s time to move on. Move on to what, I do not know. On one hand I want to take that part out. Perhaps, still hoping somehow that it’d work out. Mind is baffled how that can be? Heart is willing to forgive and forget, to beg for forgiveness, longing to find solace in his arms but mind remembers how limp and awkward those arms were, how stone-cold that chest, how icy the eyes and words towards the end. There were the occasional sparks but ...

 I turned 30 this year. 2020, 1990 kid. Amazing year this has been.  In these thirty years, I have witnessed miracles, so many miracles yet there is so much still that I haven't and probably never will. I know a lot, much more than I did when I turned twenty. Yet there is so much I do not know and with every day that passes, I realize it more and more.  Tonight, or tomorrow night, Saturn and Jupiter are supposed to be in conjunction, an event that may not happen again for 800 years. Definitely not in my lifetime. However, I cannot go see it even though I want to. I have got two little stars at home sleeping and even if I managed to venture outside for a quick peek, I wouldn't know where to look and will definitely not be able to see from the place I can venture out to, the covered parking lot outside :) I sat talking with my mother about things I haven't achieved and the sense of loss over a 'wasted' decade. She began listing things that I have accomplished and I r...

 Tonight I posted about baby number two. He entered the world (early) less than ten days after I wrote my last post.  I wrote (more than I usually do) about the name I chose for him and the meaning of the name. All of it is true. But it isn’t the whole truth. I didn’t write about one, perhaps the most important reason. I have loved the name since I was 11, yes, but I also truly believe God must’ve sent this little one for a reason that only He understands at the moment. His timing and wisdom are perfect and we do not always know.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was homeless with a toddler, living off of charity, fighting to survive by applying for government benefits, and my husband who had left us in a different continent had been AWOL for over a week. I didn’t even know if he was alive.  I was scared and abandoned. And yet, when I first saw those strips say pregnant, a ray of joy burst inside my heart. Impractical to the core but this pregnancy was very very wa...