Skip to main content

A bit numb

 


A bit numb. A bit exhilarated. A bit in pain. That’s me right now. 

One is supposed to feel one’s pain. That’s what the Dave Ramsey article said. To let your heart experience it. Well, I did. Here I am. Three hours after I sent in the final email to the court lady and my lawyer with a settlement offer. The hardest part, the one I was the most sad about, still...was that I want this to be the finalizing of everything. No loose strings so to speak. 

I don’t want to. My heart can’t even imagine not being his wife. Even now. But mind says it’s time to move on. Move on to what, I do not know. On one hand I want to take that part out. Perhaps, still hoping somehow that it’d work out. Mind is baffled how that can be? Heart is willing to forgive and forget, to beg for forgiveness, longing to find solace in his arms but mind remembers how limp and awkward those arms were, how stone-cold that chest, how icy the eyes and words towards the end. There were the occasional sparks but like said, the fire is dead. 

I miss Makkah. The streets. The taxis. The scent of the very air. The house of God. My Lord. My Maker, call me to your house and envelope me in your mercy. Ya Allah, safeguard my heart. All the ‘I wish it were like this...all the disappointment, all the broken pieces of me, Ya Allah have washed ashore in hopes of mercy and love. 

Ya Allah answer my duas like you answered them a year ago. Ya Rubb, I cant touch the venerated dark stones of your house, I can’t feel the peace that comes from just throwing myself at your mercy...but ya Allah, it’s the same heart that calls out to you, grateful, humble, still lost, in more pain than it knows what to do with, seeing darkness of fear everywhere. I call on you, the provider of light, who Himself is light, light my way with hope and courage. Grant me fortitude and resilience, health and strength, peace and tranquility, and love. Of this vast world of yours, my Lord, there must be one heart that can love me well whom I can love right back and be fulfilled. My Lord, lead us to each other, cool my eyes with these kids, realize my dreams for these boys in the best way possible and more. My Lord, I beg for your mercy and your love. Ya Allah, make the pain expiation. Grant me entry to the place where there will be no pain. Grant me solace in You. Be my support, my Lord. Save me. Save these children. Make me prosper. Make these children prosper and their father too. Grant him peace, tranquility and happiness too and reward him for all the good he brought to my life. Make their grandfather Muslim and realize my dream. 

Ameen!



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

24

When I was fourteen, we learnt about five-year administrative plans in social studies. They are the plans that governments make to keep the countries on track short-term. I thought if it can work for a nations life, it can also work for an individual's life. I was a big fan of one=many, individual=nation philosophy at that time. My journals from that phase are full of such theories. So in the summer of 2005, I wrote my first five-year plan. I then divided it into yearly goals, then monthly goals and then weekly and so on. I achieved most of the things. The plan had worked. On my 20th birthday, I wrote my second five-year plan. Having seen results the first time, I was more motivated this time and better at setting goals (all that about language and achievability...the whole shebang). Tomorrow is my twenty-fourth birthday. And I am nowhere close achieving anything I had planned to. Basically I have nothing to how for all the investment (of time, effort and money) made fo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mouse King

 I miss Busboys and poets. I miss Community forklift. I miss watching local theater plays at the Silver Spring theater. Except I was no more lost now than I was then. That sentence sounds ominous. I am almost 31 weeks pregnant. Or perhaps 32 based on what the measurements were at my last exam. I finally had an exam after months. Yesterday was the glucose test. Weeks after it was supposed to be. Supposed to be's, should be's, could've been...yada yada yada. I miss DC. Home of my heart. I even miss Maryland. I miss me. The carefree me. I mean, I wouldn't describe life before marriage to be that, but there was a glow in the days before I tethered myself to a man, supposedly for life. Life. Married for life. That's what I thought I was. Guess I thought wrong.  I don't miss it. Or him. Alhumdulillah that's a blessing. I don't think I never will. I am afraid it'll hit me in one large wave once the nastiness of this divorce is over. Like a complete washout....
Post a Comment
Read more

Anas

  I run outside my breath, a gasp. My feet stop, in shock. The moon is full tonight. A breeze slides over my skin. The tide… still crashes on the shore. I try to breathe. I can’t. How has the time not stopped… tonight? I go to the sea. We sit. We wonder. We reminisce. We wonder how many school lunches they spent to fell… a man of his might. The sea takes me in her arms, whispers words of comfort just as meaningless tonight as they have been, for years. He was a man I never met, but with all the pride, and ferocity, of a sister I call him my brother. He was a man I mourn tonight, as the sea’s waves lap at my feet. Blanketed by the dark, there is no one around. I wish I could drown, that the sea will swallow me whole. I feel helpless. The weight of the world… is heavy tonight. I give charity in his name. I pray for him. I hold him in my heart. Every tear that falls from my eyes carries his name, like a cherished pearl. Morning takes me by surprise. ...
Post a Comment
Read more