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A bit numb

 


A bit numb. A bit exhilarated. A bit in pain. That’s me right now. 

One is supposed to feel one’s pain. That’s what the Dave Ramsey article said. To let your heart experience it. Well, I did. Here I am. Three hours after I sent in the final email to the court lady and my lawyer with a settlement offer. The hardest part, the one I was the most sad about, still...was that I want this to be the finalizing of everything. No loose strings so to speak. 

I don’t want to. My heart can’t even imagine not being his wife. Even now. But mind says it’s time to move on. Move on to what, I do not know. On one hand I want to take that part out. Perhaps, still hoping somehow that it’d work out. Mind is baffled how that can be? Heart is willing to forgive and forget, to beg for forgiveness, longing to find solace in his arms but mind remembers how limp and awkward those arms were, how stone-cold that chest, how icy the eyes and words towards the end. There were the occasional sparks but like said, the fire is dead. 

I miss Makkah. The streets. The taxis. The scent of the very air. The house of God. My Lord. My Maker, call me to your house and envelope me in your mercy. Ya Allah, safeguard my heart. All the ‘I wish it were like this...all the disappointment, all the broken pieces of me, Ya Allah have washed ashore in hopes of mercy and love. 

Ya Allah answer my duas like you answered them a year ago. Ya Rubb, I cant touch the venerated dark stones of your house, I can’t feel the peace that comes from just throwing myself at your mercy...but ya Allah, it’s the same heart that calls out to you, grateful, humble, still lost, in more pain than it knows what to do with, seeing darkness of fear everywhere. I call on you, the provider of light, who Himself is light, light my way with hope and courage. Grant me fortitude and resilience, health and strength, peace and tranquility, and love. Of this vast world of yours, my Lord, there must be one heart that can love me well whom I can love right back and be fulfilled. My Lord, lead us to each other, cool my eyes with these kids, realize my dreams for these boys in the best way possible and more. My Lord, I beg for your mercy and your love. Ya Allah, make the pain expiation. Grant me entry to the place where there will be no pain. Grant me solace in You. Be my support, my Lord. Save me. Save these children. Make me prosper. Make these children prosper and their father too. Grant him peace, tranquility and happiness too and reward him for all the good he brought to my life. Make their grandfather Muslim and realize my dream. 

Ameen!



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