24

When I was fourteen, we learnt about five-year administrative plans in social studies. They are the plans that governments make to keep the countries on track short-term. I thought if it can work for a nations life, it can also work for an individual's life. I was a big fan of one=many, individual=nation philosophy at that time. My journals from that phase are full of such theories.

So in the summer of 2005, I wrote my first five-year plan. I then divided it into yearly goals, then monthly goals and then weekly and so on.

I achieved most of the things. The plan had worked.

On my 20th birthday, I wrote my second five-year plan. Having seen results the first time, I was more motivated this time and better at setting goals (all that about language and achievability...the whole shebang).

Tomorrow is my twenty-fourth birthday. And I am nowhere close achieving anything I had planned to. Basically I have nothing to how for all the investment (of time, effort and money) made for the plan. This fact kept me awake at nights, given me many a migraines and a whole bunch of low self-esteem days. During the internship that I keep mentioning over and over (due to its life-enhancing effects), we attended a workshop on time management. It was a short workshop. The speaker (one of my absolute favorite life coaches, my mentor and later, bosses) made only one point. I learned two words from that hour spent in the company of those unfriendly faces: Time = life.

It helped me become a much better Muslim. Everything I did or do, I ask myself: Is this worth my time? In turn this portion of my life, that I am never going to get again. Every moment we have is unique. One of its kind. Customized for every single one of us. Again, subhan al khaaliq...(Pure/Amazing is the Creator).

Anyhow, being just ONE short year away from being quarter of a century old has turned me largely introspective. I wonder if I die tomorrow (or today for that matter), what will I have to show for it? What will I say when Allah swt asks me, what did you do with the quarter of a century that I sent you to earth for?

I do not think I am ready to answer that question. And that...scares me.  Not being on task in this case, scares me. I have been known for my carelessness in keeping my stuff organized, remembering birthdays, anniversaries and names etc...but in this case, I have made it a pint to stay on top of things. Sure, I have had my slips. But overall, I always felt ready. That was always my marker...am I ready to meet my Lord right this second? It kept me grounded, focused and has been my guiding principle for most of my life.

Not being able to be ready...the way I wanted to be ready...despite my best efforts and in some cases not being able to give my best...has felt like the ultimate failure. The guiding principle has stayed with me...at least most of the time..but my short-sightedness as a human being has had limited me to a great extent.

I would think, if all had gone according to plan...I would be sitting my bar exam next year, married and pregnant with my second child. In a month from today, I would be receiving my Masters' degree. I would also be fluent in at least twelve languages and yada yada yada.

But I am none of those things.

It broke my heart. I had made a plan, then the B, C and D versions of it. I put in everything that I could. Yet, here I am. Fruit-less.

Remember how I mentioned that introspection?

That led me to solving the mystery. The answer had been there all along. I was just too short-sighted to see it.

Answer?

It was a plan. Thats all it ever was. A plan. And plans...fail. In the words of Ali r.a., I recognized God by the failure of my plans. We make plans, and He makes plans. And indeed His plans are the prevalent ones.

I had always known what I had worked for but never got but this recognition led me to listing what I got that I had never worked for. And, well...I was impressed. Even if I say so myself. I can list at least a hundred reasons for why I should I have every item on that five-year plan of mine...but none, even if I search for it, for what I have. In my book, you only deserve what you work for. So basically, I do not deserve anything that I have. Not a single thing. All are blessings from God. Without me ever asking.

I had wanted to achieve certain things in these five years...but here I am, after four of those five years, with a totally different set of achievements. Ones that I never even dreamt of. And I am happy.

I do think sometimes, it's God right? He is God...He can do anything...why not give me things that I wanted...heck I had eve worked for them. Invested in them. He'd have a much more grateful version of me that way...one who'd have this real sense of ownership on all those achievements because she had wanted and worked for them. Isn't that what God wants? For us to be happy and thankful? So why choose a completely different set and give me that?

While I do not claim to have solved Divine mysteries...that's not my place, nor do I want it...I think for myself I have figured out why.

For starters, He is God, I am human. (stating the obvious much?...hold your horses. Let me explain.)
His plans are MUCH more long-term than five odd years. His gaze can see much farther than I can. To give a personalized example, if Judah had not kicked out those ten tribes of Bani Israel all those years ago, I wouldn't be here today. I don't suppose any of those twenty-something girls would have enjoyed the process of being from the ruling tribe (the tribe of Benjamin) to being refugees a lot...but had that not happened, I wouldn't be here...and God wanted me. He wanted me to be here. Where I am. Right at this time.

Second, He is my God. My Creator. He knows why He made me. He knows why He put me where I am. Why He gave me the certain abilities that He did. Why He sent me in the family He did. Why I look the way I do. In short, the whole nine yards. He knows and I don't. Do I want to know? I don't think so. I am happy being the human that I am. The responsibility that I have is already enough.

And that brings me to the question of being ready. The question that has taken many a happy moments and turned them into not so happy. Or so I thought. I am beginning to understand that in my eagerness, I had put a self-created responsibility on my shoulders that wasn't mine. I was trying to second-guess the Lord. Thinking every moment whether what I was doing was pleasing to Him or not. That is not my job. He has already told me what pleases Him and what does not. I need to put my time and effort in understanding that. instead of trying to please Him the way I deem suitable, I need to put my efforts into what He has told me He wants from me.

And then again His mercy...He doesn't even demand perfection from me. The grade I receive isn't a completion grade. It's a grade based on my effort. In dunya (this world), I have figured out that as a teacher, so many times I want to give a student some credit for their work because of the effort they had put in even if the result wasn't perfect but several factors hold me back (including being fair)...because being a human, I am limited in the scope of my thought, knowledge and understanding. However, Allah swt, God, is not. He only requires my best effort. Not the satisfaction stamp by anyone. Its between Him and me. Him and you. Him and every single one of us. (That eliminates all room for judgment, harassment and makes one focused on their own selves.)

And He loves every single one of us.

And that...makes me happy. Really happy. :) Yay!!!