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Train of thought

 


There is so much to write. Not enough time. Not enough words. Not enough energy. The kiddos drain me. it was S's half birthday today. R was 'b*tchy' as usual. He has been. Since he left on Monday. He was flirting with me while he was here. And I got all torn up about our relationship. It reminded me of something. Something I hadn't felt since our courtship ended and we married. Perhaps that was the idea. To make me long for him. It didn't quite happen that way. Everything else that has happened in between the flirting of the courtship and the flirting of the first visit after over a year is still fresh in my mind. It didn't make me long for anything or make anything tingle. Made me disgusted. But also made me miss something. I haven't been able to name it yet. I call it R but it isn't R the person that I miss. I do not know what it is. Not yet. Perhaps someday I will. I don't really want to. 

I also miss A. The camaraderie we shared before R made me block him and cut all contact for years. And really the camaraderie I shared with a lot of people. Before I was a subject of folks' pity. 

Perhaps my incessant thankyous have something to do with it. 

In any case...I will soon be free. I hope I will soon be free. I was born free. I do not want to live any other way. i have learned that the very hard way. I am not about to forget that very easy. No matter how much flirting comes from unattractive men. I do wonder what happened there. I am almost 100% certain its the shaving of the beard. God only knows. He knows me the way I don't know myself nor does anyone else. 

I miss prayer. I need to pray but I am always too tired from running around the kiddos. I love them though. Despite the draining effect they and this solo parenting gig have on me. Won't have it any other way though. Not at least a better alternative comes along :)

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