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Trying not to run


 I had a dream today. I woke up in a trance.

I saw Khala Shadab, Nano Jameela, Nana Abu Saleem, Aiysha Khala, Nano Cheemi, Nano Khalida, Mamu Shahid, Mamu Mobeen, Mumani Humaira, Abdullah - son of Mamu Kashif but in the dream he was Mamu Mobeen's son, Khala khalida, Salman bhai. I woke up not remembering for a few moments that most of them are dead. And have been for some time. 

It broke my heart.

I miss them. I didn't even realize I missed them. That really threw me off. 

I have spent the day trying not to think about it, pushing the discomfort away. But the trouble is, it doesn't go away. It stays there. out of sight. Under the rug. Always there. 

I am daring to not run away. To face the discomfort. To embrace it. To feel my feelings. To sit with them. Not work them away. Pause. Listen to my heart. Feel. With my heart, my body, my soul. Cry the tears. See the unhealed scars. The sore spots that hurt with the slightest of touch. 

I miss my family. I miss the people I grew up among. The people who gave me nothing but love. That I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them, hurts. I miss the safety of their presence. The comfort of their embrace. I miss being loved unconditionally. I miss thinking I was someone who was cherished. Having people who believed in me, who thought I could do anything I set my sights on. 

I have not spoken to my father in over a month. I miss him. I do not know why he does not call me. I asked my brother but he says that he is fine and that he doesn't know why he wouldn't call me. 

I stumbled upon a few videos of Daadi Amma from the last time I saw her. Her voice brought back memories of her smell. I could smell her while I watched those videos. I was awed by the power of memory. SubhanAllah the creation of Allah. SubhanalKhaaliq. 

I can do nothing but pray for them. And try to be sadaqa jaariyah for them. I hope I can be and my children can be. But God, I miss my family and home tonight. 

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