Skip to main content

late night musings

 Its past 2 am. I cannot sleep. No matter how empty I try to get my brain to be, I can't. No, wrong. I have actually succeeded in doing that at least two times tonight. But then nausea hits. I got my period yesterday. Last week of purgatory aka Iddah. But well, that's another story for another time. Right now, nausea, migraine, pain, cramps - it's all kicking me down. Goodness. I have been eating crackers and still feel like throwing up. I even went for a walk and kept active thoughout the day despite the pain because of this nausea. I thought the physical activity will help my body digest whatever is in it better. 

Thoughts that have been circling my brain: if i could buy a house, where should i buy it? do people still visit syria? can people visit syria (a quick sky scanner search says yes), is there anything actually interesting about north korea, like their culture? (found out there are two UNESCO world heritage sites there - who knew), is Alex Vause from OITB actually a lesbian (still haven't figured that out, did learn a whole lotta other stuff about her though), why does my left breast hurt more than the right one (still trying to figure that one out), did this knee on the neck murder thing happen before George Floyd or did the killer get the idea from OITB? 

Perhaps you can tell that I am currently watching OITB. Anyhow, my random brain also wants to go back to do research. I don't know what, but i am itching to have a project and research it to the bones. I have offered to volunteer at a nonprofit that i thought could use the help. They graciously thanked me and told me they'll be in touch. Nothing. Despite follow up. I have applied for almost 300 jobs. Several interviews. Even got to the final round with Gartner. Then all of a sudden, nothing. 

I need something to focus on that isn't related to my life - something beyond absolute survival. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Anas

  I run outside my breath, a gasp. My feet stop, in shock. The moon is full tonight. A breeze slides over my skin. The tide… still crashes on the shore. I try to breathe. I can’t. How has the time not stopped… tonight? I go to the sea. We sit. We wonder. We reminisce. We wonder how many school lunches they spent to fell… a man of his might. The sea takes me in her arms, whispers words of comfort just as meaningless tonight as they have been, for years. He was a man I never met, but with all the pride, and ferocity, of a sister I call him my brother. He was a man I mourn tonight, as the sea’s waves lap at my feet. Blanketed by the dark, there is no one around. I wish I could drown, that the sea will swallow me whole. I feel helpless. The weight of the world… is heavy tonight. I give charity in his name. I pray for him. I hold him in my heart. Every tear that falls from my eyes carries his name, like a cherished pearl. Morning takes me by surprise. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Old Pictures

  Photo by Josef Maxson on Unsplash They ask to see old photos. I show them. After all, that’s why I kept them: to give my children a sense of their history. Just four more days, then I won’t see them for eighteen. I won’t hold them close or smell the unique fragrances of their heads. They ask for one more, after I say, “The end.” I indulge. I snuggle a little closer. But every picture, as I describe what it is, where it was taken, and the story behind it, takes a toll on me. My breath catches. My heart races. My mouth grows drier by the minute. The nerves in my hands are firing full force. I keep going, until I truly can’t breathe anymore. I say, “Just one more. That’s it.” We stop. I smile and tell them to head upstairs, fighting hard to keep the tremor out of my voice. I hug myself as they run upstairs, trying to catch each other. Then, I hear a whisper: “That was fun, right? Looking at all those pictures?” My heart stops, unknowing. We traverse new territory every d...
Post a Comment
Read more

Train of thought

  There is so much to write. Not enough time. Not enough words. Not enough energy. The kiddos drain me. it was S's half birthday today. R was 'b*tchy' as usual. He has been. Since he left on Monday. He was flirting with me while he was here. And I got all torn up about our relationship. It reminded me of something. Something I hadn't felt since our courtship ended and we married. Perhaps that was the idea. To make me long for him. It didn't quite happen that way. Everything else that has happened in between the flirting of the courtship and the flirting of the first visit after over a year is still fresh in my mind. It didn't make me long for anything or make anything tingle. Made me disgusted. But also made me miss something. I haven't been able to name it yet. I call it R but it isn't R the person that I miss. I do not know what it is. Not yet. Perhaps someday I will. I don't really want to.  I also miss A. The camaraderie we shared before R made m...
Post a Comment
Read more