I Keep On Keeping On

I sit and cry through the night,

wondering if the fire that claimed Aaron

should have taken me too.
Perhaps our collective conscience
burned with him.

I’ve witnessed more deaths in two years
than in a lifetime
though only through a screen.
What does it mean to see it in real time?
How do they smile
while the sky still weeps?

I wonder if love will always be unfinished.
Why no happy-ever-after for me?
I recall the men I have held
each one a lesson in measure:
how much to give,
how much to trust,
how much to lose.

Tonight I want to be selfish,
to weep the rivers dry,
to press every thorn to my mouth,
to taste the blood of roses broken.
I should shield myself,
yet I lean toward the wound again and again.

You deserve all the love in the world, he said.
I wanted to believe him.
I still do.
But he was always leaving
though technically, I left first.
I always do.

Here is the truth:
I cannot breathe.
I cannot eat,
or sleep,
or drink.
All I crave is the spirit I knew
for two brief weeks.

Is that love?
Or only lust,
the flicker of a mind against mine?
How can I love a man
who never once looked into my eyes
as though he saw my soul
yet here I am,
undone for days,
mourning a vow that was broken
long before it reached me.

And still,
I keep on keeping on.

Comments

PRINCESS ALERT!

An African American male who looked slightly older than me was shooting daggers at me with his eyes. I figured it out because of the burning feeling you get when somebody has been staring at you too long. I looked up at him questioningly as I usually do when somebody is being that rude. In response, he left his seat and came and stood next to me still looking murderous. I have to admit that made me really nervous in my heart as I thought why on earth did I have to confront him etc etc. A minute passed. Him: You an African princess or somethin’? Me: Excuse me? Him: Nah, you too white for that. You are not Arab, are you? Me: No, I am not. But why does it matter? Him: Where you coming from? Me: Why? Him: No, Ah mean where you from? You looking like a princess or somethin’. Me: Is that a bad thing? Him: Are you a princess? Me: No. *trying to suppress my amused smile by this point - he looked like he wanted to choke me to death because I looked like a princess...

Anas

I run outside my breath, a gasp. My feet stop, in shock. The moon is full tonight. A breeze slides over my skin. The tide… still crashes on the shore. I try to breathe. I can’t. How has the time not stopped… tonight? I go to the sea. We sit. We wonder. We reminisce. We wonder how many school lunches they spent to fell… a man of his might. The sea takes me in her arms, whispers words of comfort just as meaningless tonight as they have been, for years. He was a man I never met, but with all the pride, and ferocity, of a sister I call him my brother. He was a man I mourn tonight, as the sea’s waves lap at my feet. Blanketed by the dark, there is no one around. I wish I could drown, that the sea will swallow me whole. I feel helpless. The weight of the world… is heavy tonight. I give charity in his name. I pray for him. I hold him in my heart. Every tear that falls from my eyes carries his name, like a cherished pearl. Morning takes me by surprise. ...

24

When I was fourteen, we learnt about five-year administrative plans in social studies. They are the plans that governments make to keep the countries on track short-term. I thought if it can work for a nations life, it can also work for an individual's life. I was a big fan of one=many, individual=nation philosophy at that time. My journals from that phase are full of such theories. So in the summer of 2005, I wrote my first five-year plan. I then divided it into yearly goals, then monthly goals and then weekly and so on. I achieved most of the things. The plan had worked. On my 20th birthday, I wrote my second five-year plan. Having seen results the first time, I was more motivated this time and better at setting goals (all that about language and achievability...the whole shebang). Tomorrow is my twenty-fourth birthday. And I am nowhere close achieving anything I had planned to. Basically I have nothing to how for all the investment (of time, effort and money) made fo...

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