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Forbidden Love

 I dreamed about him tonight. Then woke up with a start.

I wrote about the dream to process it. It was the first time I saw him in a dream. I thought the writing would help me move on. All it’s done is make me yearn for him again. Even more. I want to see him smile at me once more. To hear his voice. His halting, hesitant voice as he measured his words carefully, like pearls.

How do I describe it for you, dear reader? I fell hard. Or at least as hard as I could given the circumstances. I went from bemused to curious to surprised to head over heels. Fairly quickly I suppose when all is said and done. I haven’t been able to give anyone the time of day since then. He took my breath away.

Or perhaps it was the setting. The headiness of travel. At least that is what I told myself for the months I resisted feeling what I feared I was feeling.

It felt so taboo. A forbidden kind of love. He was, in so many ways, a different kind of being. Our circumstances shaped us in way that nary the two shall meet.

I suppose in my heart, I am still the 25 year old girl looking for a storybook romance. Someone to fall in love with. Nay. That is also something I told myself was happening but I met plenty of ‘eligible’ men on that trip and have met plenty since then. If it was just a case of the lonelies, I wouldn’t be dreaming of a man I met only two times a year ago. A man uninterested in me in that way I must mention. So he said. Or at least that he didn’t know what to think. He was taken aback by my tentative, bashful declaration. 

Just the words would’ve sent me running the other way. And practically they did. But my heart, oh, my heart. What do I do with my heart that still longs for him? Not just what he represented, love, security, joy…but him, specifically him. That, too, is a new feeling. I have mostly chased feelings before in my pursuit of happiness. But well, I suppose this is the case just like the minority where I did chase the person and made the biggest mistake of my life. Good thing this one wasn’t interested? 

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