Story of a life

As I wrap up my iddah, I have been feeling very reflective. It got me lamenting today that just like that, the decade of divorce and heartbreak is over. And then I realized, well, A LOT of good has also come form this decade. The hardships were only two but including the two divorces, the blessings are countless.  I got married the first time in December 2011 and am finishing up my iddah from my second divorce on the last day of 2021. So much pain, so much reformation, and somehow, with the blessing of my Lord, I am exactly where I wanted to be in life at this point in life. I have everything, I am everything that I wanted to have and be, if not more. I have checked every single box on my five year plan that I set for myself, and halfway through the timeline for my next five year plan, am almost done with everything on that one too. Even though, I have spent the past decade in a fog, feeling less than everyone around me. Somehow, at the end though, everything has worked out. I a...

 Its past 2 am. I cannot sleep. No matter how empty I try to get my brain to be, I can't. No, wrong. I have actually succeeded in doing that at least two times tonight. But then nausea hits. I got my period yesterday. Last week of purgatory aka Iddah . But well, that's another story for another time. Right now, nausea, migraine, pain, cramps - it's all kicking me down. Goodness. I have been eating crackers and still feel like throwing up. I even went for a walk and kept active thoughout the day despite the pain because of this nausea. I thought the physical activity will help my body digest whatever is in it better.  Thoughts that have been circling my brain: if i could buy a house, where should i buy it? do people still visit syria? can people visit syria (a quick sky scanner search says yes), is there anything actually interesting about north korea, like their culture? (found out there are two UNESCO world heritage sites there - who knew), is Alex Vause from OITB actual...

 The day I performed my first Umrah, I was exceptionally tired. I had checked out of the hotel in Madinah around 11 am the day before, spent the day in the Mosque of the Prophet (May Peace and blessings be upon him), taken the six hour bus to Makkah, and gone straight to Makkah Haram to perform Umrah. Then I prayed Fajr for the next day and laid down for  I couldn’t check in to my Makkah hotel until 3 pm that day.

My fear in dying: claustrophobia and fear of the dark in the grave, as well as decomposition, and insects as well as other creatures that I've within the earth. And the method of death aka fear of asphyxiation/ pain/ frowning/ burning - basically pain. IME's fear in dying: who will be there that I know? He doesn't want to be alone at or in death. He has been fixated on the topic of death for a few weeks now. The natural environment, it being fall/ autumn, transitions, seeing a dead pigeon and a dead mouse on the side of the road, and a burial on tv.

 I had a dream today. I woke up in a trance. I saw Khala Shadab , Nano Jameela , Nana Abu Saleem , Aiysha Khala, Nano Cheemi , Nano Khalida , Mamu Shahid, Mamu Mobeen, Mumani Humaira, Abdullah - son of Mamu Kashif but in the dream he was Mamu Mobeen's son, Khala khalida, Salman bhai. I woke up not remembering for a few moments that most of them are dead. And have been for some time.  It broke my heart. I miss them. I didn't even realize I missed them. That really threw me off.  I have spent the day trying not to think about it, pushing the discomfort away. But the trouble is, it doesn't go away. It stays there. out of sight. Under the rug. Always there.  I am daring to not run away. To face the discomfort. To embrace it. To feel my feelings. To sit with them. Not work them away. Pause. Listen to my heart. Feel. With my heart, my body, my soul. Cry the tears. See the unhealed scars. The sore spots that hurt with the slightest of touch.  I miss my family. I miss ...

October 18, 2021 1) Know your fertility before marriage 2) Each marriage is as unique as the people in it. No one size fits all. People are different at different times in their lives and different people bring out different sides in others. So general advice, from friends and family, leaders, social media, even self-help books dent apply unless it is for your specific personality type or refers to blanket truth, for example, "abuse is wrong". Custom tailored advice form a well-intentioned and smart person of knowledge is the way to go 3) Drink water 4) Don't eat your sorrows or try to drown them out. Feel your feelings. Same goes for happy feelings 5) Faith is stronger than everything else 6) Work to be and stay financially independent 7) Save money 8) In the end, most things don't matter. Figure out what does and don't sweat the rest if you can 9) Life is transient. As are most things in it. Only our deeds and God are permanent. Only thing that erases the bad fo...

Yesterday I finished my first reading of the Quran since I finished my Ijaza. Alhumdulillah.  Yesterday I got divorced. Alhumdulillah.  So ends my decade of divorce. Alhumdulillah.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I am going to make this life an amazing one if its the last thing I do :D Today. Today: I started my next reading of the Quran.  I ordered my credit reports. I have started my journey towards having good credit.  I have started planning for where I am going next.

  There is so much to write. Not enough time. Not enough words. Not enough energy. The kiddos drain me. it was S's half birthday today. R was 'b*tchy' as usual. He has been. Since he left on Monday. He was flirting with me while he was here. And I got all torn up about our relationship. It reminded me of something. Something I hadn't felt since our courtship ended and we married. Perhaps that was the idea. To make me long for him. It didn't quite happen that way. Everything else that has happened in between the flirting of the courtship and the flirting of the first visit after over a year is still fresh in my mind. It didn't make me long for anything or make anything tingle. Made me disgusted. But also made me miss something. I haven't been able to name it yet. I call it R but it isn't R the person that I miss. I do not know what it is. Not yet. Perhaps someday I will. I don't really want to.  I also miss A. The camaraderie we shared before R made m...

 I miss him. I just wanna hold him. I want to be held by him with love just 1 more time.  Perhaps the idea of him and not the real him or perhaps I miss the him that I loved and married. The him that I wanted to father my children. My heart breaks. I don’t know why. I remember often, many times a day sometimes, that he said that I, his wife, was his enemy. Your enemy? I asked. Yes, he said, the Koran says so. I looked at him flabbergasted. I did not know what to say.

 Not black enough